Discontent

So, there have been two times within the last six months that I thought I was seeing a light at the end of the tunnel of my searching for "The One". In my head, I had begun to think about introducing these men (whichever one it would have been) to family at the Gatlinburg shin-dig this past weekend.
I've known for a couple months now that I was going to be attending this thing date-less, so one would logically think that it wouldn't be a big deal for me since I've had all sorts of time to prepare. All in all I was OK, it really wasn't a big deal. Now that I'm fully recovered (emotionally, physically) from all of the who-ha, I can see that I actually was bothered by being date-less. To add a little salt to the wound (unintentionally), my mom said mentioned something about how I'm her only decent hope for more grandchildren. She's never said that before. I retorted back with something along the lines of "It's not my fault." My sister looked at me sympathetically and tried to console me by reminding me of how old she was when she met her husband. For some reason - probably because they were bad decisions - she wanted me to ignore the fact that she was married twice before.
And - in my defense - when I look at the dysfunctional mess I'm surrounded by when I'm with family I really do feel like it's not my fault that I'm still single. However, I do know better. I still have much to work on. My new living situation is teaching me as much. In the last few weeks I've been a little louder than I've been in awhile and I'm a little more lax in my dress on Sundays. I also have been exercising a little more "attitude" than in recent times. Also, being around family (especially my mom) I fall back into bad communication habits. So, a stage of re-training is always necessary when I come back.
Yesterday was good though. I was able to spend the afternoon with people that I care about and cuddle with one of my favorite children. The one who is 8 going on 25. To prove that she said that she was interested in attending the Women's Retreat this year. I told her that it was only for women above the age of 18.
The girl is confused. She really wants to grow up. She has no idea what could be discussed among the women that children can't understand. She thinks it's just fun times and laughter. It also goes to prove how blessed that child is because she hasn't experienced frustration and angst as only grown-ups can.
Honestly, I don't know why I go to the Women's Retreat. I have no child-rearing to exchange (I substitute baby-sitting adventure stories whenever I can) and I have no marriage to reflect on. I'll admit that I feel like a deformed woman because of this.
God has given me all sorts of equipment that I'm not able to actually use - like a uterus and ovaries. I'm a little frustrated.
There are other things that God has given that I can use well that I can find other outlets for (like cooking skills and compassion), but the whole uterus and ovaries thing I can't use for any other purpose.
Perhaps that's just one more reason I use for being able to get frustrated with God. Kind of like pity party I threw for myself years ago when I was beginning my journey into covenant theology: "Why can't I have a federal covenant head!?!?. I'm over that because the actual federal covenant head (Jesus) is better than anything else I could find on earth. Now, I've moved on to biology. I think somehow I still think that I can remind God of certain things - like the uterus and ovaries - and He'll be like "Oh, yeah! I totally forgot about that! You're right! Ok. Here's one for you!"
I know better, but apparently that is still my M.O.
Sadness.
And frustration.